Chicken parmesan. Bruce Springsteen. Fantasy Football. Grateful Dead. Chocolate pudding. Blue. Skiing. England. Western Omelet.
I could have told you anything you wanted to know about my late husband. I wouldn’t even have to think about it. Favorite music? Favorite foods? Bucket list places? Likes, dislikes? Yep, you name it, I knew it and I was very proud of it. But please, don’t ask me to answer those questions for myself. Oh sure, I could tell you my favorite color is purple or how I love candy and hate onions. But what really makes me tick and having to admit that I like something that you may not, I’d rather just stay neutral and show you how amazing I am for knowing my spouse so well.
Happiness Is…
I swore I wouldn’t change after we took our vows as I wasn’t going to be one of “those” wives. You know, the one that lives to make her husband happy. The one who loses her friends, her dreams, her passion and is now known as “his wife”. The one who says “I don’t care where we go out to eat for my birthday” when she secretly wants to say The Melting Pot but knows he has a “thing” about having to pay to cook your own food and thinks fondue is “overrated”. So there she sits at Five Guys across from her husband as she watches him eat his bacon cheeseburger wiping the grease off of his chin without a care in the world. She tells herself that it’s ok because seeing him happy and spending time together is more important than delicious chunks of brown bread smothered in Wisconsin cheese fondue or a platter filled with strawberries, brownies and cheesecake bites just waiting to be drowned in a sea of warm chocolate heaven. And the funny thing is, she truly feels this way. I truly felt that way. I mean, it’s not like any of us as a young girl consciously says, “OMG when I get married someday, I can not WAIT to forget who I am and totally immerse myself in making my husband the luckiest man on the planet!” Ironically though, it happens so naturally to many of us.
Mutual Adoration
I don’t want to sound like women become these weak little people pleasers with no backbone or mind of their own and their husbands would just sit on their thrones like King Tut. If my late husband could come down and add his two cents, he would tell you that was certainly not the case and many times, he made his share of sacrifices to make me happy, because he absolutely did. Unless you were or are married to a narcissist (if that’s the case, we have other issues to discuss sister), a good partner doesn’t want you to lose yourself. He wants you to have a fulfilling life that doesn’t just revolve around him. He wants you to have meaningful friendships with your girls (ok lets be honest there’s at least one he’d be fine with you losing) and have a hobby that makes you happy. Sometimes, he really wishes you wouldn’t make him the focus of your existence…but you adore him and he adores you and whatever set up you have, it works. Until it doesn’t.
When your world is turned upside down
Whether your significant other died suddenly or suffered a long illness like mine did, we are never ready. We aren’t ready to say goodbye. We aren’t ready to plan a funeral. We aren’t ready to have to raise our kids alone. We aren’t ready to throw out their toothbrush or go through their belongings. We aren’t ready to have to face coworkers again and the cashier at the grocery store who’s life is unaffected by this horrible tragedy and it takes everything you have not to lose it on her when she so nonchalantly asks “paper or plastic”. But the one question every widow asks herself is “WHO AM I NOW?”
Are you ready?
It can be overwhelming to think about who you are and the person that you want to be when you lose your significant other. You may not even know yet and that’s ok. As a matter of fact, sometimes the fun in not knowing everything about yourself is discovering things about you that you didn’t even know existed. There are a lot of emotions you may feel when you start to focus on you. A lot of us struggle with guilt. We may feel like its selfish to want to have a new start when your love is no longer here. You may feel anxious and the thought of getting out of your comfort zone is scary and exhausting. If you’re a mom, you may feel like you need to only focus on your kids to make sure they are protected from any more pain. The truth is my friend, there is no greater way to honor your loved one and no better way to help your children than for you to reclaim your life with passion and excitement. You are here for a reason and deserve to live the rest of your life with purpose and happiness.
Where to begin?
If this is resonating with you and you are thinking ok, yes this all sounds exciting and I’m ready to move forward, but have no clue how to start, you’re in the right place! I have created a follow up blog called 10 Things You Can Do NOW To Help You Find You Again that will help you take action in small but meaningful steps to help you change your life. You are going do amazing things, I just know it!
“Tell me, what is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” -Mary Oliver
